Thursday, October 23, 2008

Be Careful What You Wish For...The Will to Live or Die

Prior to my developing my gifts, I had always felt a powerful presence in my life. I instinctively communicated with it, and like most people, had not always been able to determine if I received an answer, or was actually ever heard. I just believed someone was out there… whether it was God, a Guardian Angel, or what, I didn’t know. I just felt the presence, and took comfort from its energy.

I felt the presence most strongly on the night I wished for my own death. I was 21 years old, and deeply in love with a man who had just told me he didn’t love me back.

I think I loved Tom from the moment I first saw him. He was a patient at the dental office where I worked and I felt the draw of his self confidence and good humor from the moment he walked in. When he called the office later that day to ask me out, I was elated. He was good looking, finishing up college, and on his way to the Naval Academy in Rhode Island. He was my knight in shining armor.

We had a whirlwind romance in the 6 months before he entered the academy, and although we were both young, he often talked about what our future would be like, and how much he wished he didn’t have to leave me. We maintained a long distance relationship for another 6 months, however, predictably, eventually, the relationship ended.

It was December 31st, and after a somewhat odd visit over the Christmas holidays, the strain in the relationship was undeniable. It was over, and an excruciating “goodbye” discussion that morning was final proof. Although Tom had never said so, I knew he had met someone new. You don’t have to be psychic to realize this may be a likely scenario in long distance relationship between two 21 year old, but I could see her in my mind’s eye. I felt like I almost knew her and I felt her presence with him from the moment he had stepped off the plane.

Be that as it may, it made the sting of rejection no less, and I took the break up very hard. I had hopes and despite my instincts, as I would learn over and over again, I could deny the truth in a situation as well as any one else. I was devastated and despondent.

After he left, I crawled into my bed, in my darkened room, and wept. I thought my life was over, and I could see no future without this man in my life. I had heard about a theory where people could “will” themselves to die. I had heard of it in the Native American culture, and having worked with frail elderly, I had seen it happen for myself. I tried it.

As I lay there in the dark, I went into my meditative state. I felt myself sink into a strange darkness, and in that darkness I made my wishes known. I felt the familiar presence of the energy of my “angels” or spirits around me. I felt the electricity: bumps grew on my arms. I heard a voice say, “are you sure this is what you want?” I said yes.
I felt a tug.

It was as if someone had opened the top of my head and was pulling my soul out of this suit I wore: my body. I felt the pull, I felt the emptying of who I was, and I felt fear. I knew this was the moment. I could release myself or I could change my mind. As the tug continued I thought frantically, “wait…maybe I can do this…” and I sunk back into myself.

After the panic subsided, I realized I had been given a gift. I came face to face with my own will to live, the inner strength I have but so often doubt. I saw my life from another view and saw that I had many days to go.

I think back to that day often. I look at what has come after it, and all the things I would have missed had I allowed myself to let go of this world prematurely. I continue to struggle sometimes, and, like many psychics, I wonder what my purpose is here, and if I can bear the load. The journey continues, and I have learned that one must be careful what one wishes for…the universe is listening and responds more often than you think.


  1. I have experienced this darkness. I am sure many have. A recoil from everything known as reality. A potent desire to render the known, as completly false. To kill what has lived. It is a very dark place... and dangerous.

    What if the "known" or what "lives", isn't real?
    What if this dark desire to..."get to the other side" to "end the pain" is burdened with misconception, false truths or simple ignorance?

    For me, the truth was a lie. What I thought was a given, was in reality... a long shot.

    It was hard to sense my own convictions. It was hard to decern between truth, and hope. I too cried, and wished to be somewhere else, any place but my own skin.

    I am not a psychic. Nor do I aspire to be. I think I'm to weak to face the unknown.

    But like you Deanna, I went deep into the self release. I too found an awareness unseen before. A calm, stable and enlightened state. Maybe I missed the connection to spirits.

    I did find one thing though. After several of these "sessions" of hopelessness, fear, disbelief and anguish.. I found the truth.

    I found my own faults. I found I had committed my heart, without conviction. Absent was any evidence of commitment, devotion was as I saw it. Yes, the truth was always presented to me, but I somehow manipulated it into a fantasy morphed from the pages of my life.

    I found clarity, humulity, strength and hope.

    But I also realized that our minds are not like a hard drive, a series of 1's and 0's. It's less perfect, and sometimes not what is real.

    I am not doubting your gifts. I envy them.

    My only point is, before I decide to jump of a cliff because my feelings were hurt, I'll make damn sure I'm true to myself about those feelings. And not to blame another.

    Thank you for letting me spill my--- oops, I mean blog!

    I hope this blog is a success for you Deanna, I love your writing, and these experiences you have make for very interesting reading. I look forward to more...

    Good luck!

  2. Oops. I apologize for referring to you as Deanna. I see your name is Diane. Sorry!

  3. careful what one wishes for…the universe is listening and responds more often than you think. Hey Diane, I read all your articles and those lines really stuck out to me. Maybe that's been my whole problem with life and relationships. Mister cynic mister negativity nothing good is ever gonna happen I'll never find someone to be with on and on and on. After reading those words I will try my best to ask the universe to shine a little light on me. I will try my best to give to the universe some of the light I've been hiding..."message in a bottle"...M...